Thursday, September 23, 2010

This is why we can't have nice things

Listening to Econtalk on the way to work today, another Jew was angry about the economy and making some pretty valid points when all of a sudden I just couldn't take it anymore. I put on "For No One" and all my cares just melted away.

King Cong

To the beat of "King Kong":

King Cong in the van,
He'll tell you how this began.

See you see life, can't see the seams
Way you see life, ain't what it seems
Let's take the double B
Former Mexicali
Let me tell you what people told me
Your guac's too soft-y
Your goal's too loft-y
Chicken's too shredded
Salsa taste like gas unleaded
But I had to stay true
To the Fresh-Mex I knew
Get a 2-star YDN review
So I opened the cantina
Mastered the quesadilla
Every time a kid left, I always said "See ya"
Students came for the food
Stayed for C-N-N Headline News
Left Bulldog with slightly more liberal views
Success led to fame
Made Viva's look lame
B squared so scorchin'
I considered larger portions
Decided against it
Didn't think I'd gain yet
So I stuck with authenticity
Then got struck by duplicity

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

Interracial Separated at Birth

The best one I've seen since Barry Sanders and that guy Noah from 90210:

Monday, May 10, 2010

Sunday, May 09, 2010

Loq'ed out

[To the tune of Gucci Mane's "Never Too Much Money"]

I can't stop, I won't stop, I keep eating loquats
Never too much, never too much loquats
I woke up gummin', lips feeling swollen
Never too much, never too much loquats!

Seriously though, anybody have calorie info on these things?

Monday, May 03, 2010

20-something guy thinks wistfully about mid-2000s pop econ craze

If it were 2006, I could argue that the popularization of anti-lock brakes led to the rise of grunge music and get a 3-book deal from HarperCollins.

Friday, March 05, 2010

My current outlook on life

I am constantly dealing with two conflicting emotions. On the one hand, I hate when anyone is too into anything, especially on the internet. Are anthropomorphic cats really that funny? On the other hand, I really love when someone shows genuine enthusiasm for whatever he or she is doing at a given moment. I was even sympathetic to the people who were super-excited about discovering the sharing capabilities of Google Buzz.

In thinking about this for a moment, I realized that the Germans must have a word for this complicated feeling I hold in my heart, so here is my gift to you and an encapsulation of my state of mind:

  • Begeisterungliebehassen
You're welcome.

Wednesday, February 10, 2010

How do I know that I'm not a Digital Native?

I still say goodbye in gchat.

You see, digital natives are always connected, so they're never really there and they're never really not there. Meanwhile, I can still remember the dark days of a pre-ChatRoulette universe.

Friday, January 22, 2010

Ask a SeamlessWeb About Us Description

Dear SeamlessWeb About Us Description,

My son is being picked on in gym class because he hasn’t scored a single goal yet in the hockey unit. I told him not to worry because he’s getting straight A’s in math, and sports won’t be as big a deal later in life. But he’s only 13 and he can’t understand that right now. To make matters worse, I’m a single mother, so he has no father figure to teach him how to take a slap shot. How should I handle the situation?

-Worried in Wasilla

Dear Worried,

Upon entering Metro Deli, each diner will immediately fall in love with the ambience and friendly atmosphere that the staff creates. Prepared right before your eyes, the food is extremely fresh, hot and tasty. From the main dishes to the salad bar, the servings are plentiful and the options are diverse, making this meal one of the best deals you can find in Midtown, or the entire city for that matter.

Wednesday, January 20, 2010

Best Recent Top Chef-Related Dream I've Had

I'm in the final four, working out of the tiny kitchen of my childhood. I screw everything up by not cooking enough food and having trouble plating. I exit the kitchen to see that my mom is a guest judge and she's very disappointed in me.

Famous Last Words of a...

...54-year-old Comedian who has just had his eyes jabbed out by a red hot poker while making a joke about Jerry Orbach's Eye Bank advertisement: Isn't it eye-ronic?!

...37-year-old Concert Pianist with a treble clef fetish: Treble Clef, light of my life, fire of my loins. Tre. Ble. Clef. Plain Tre on a clarinet. Treble in a trumpet's morning routine. Clef to her friends. But always Treble Clef on my sheet music.

...10-month-old Praying Mantis after having sex: A nut is a nut is a nut.