I still say goodbye in gchat.
You see, digital natives are always connected, so they're never really there and they're never really not there. Meanwhile, I can still remember the dark days of a pre-ChatRoulette universe.
Dear SeamlessWeb About Us Description,
My son is being picked on in gym class because he hasn’t scored a single goal yet in the hockey unit. I told him not to worry because he’s getting straight A’s in math, and sports won’t be as big a deal later in life. But he’s only 13 and he can’t understand that right now. To make matters worse, I’m a single mother, so he has no father figure to teach him how to take a slap shot. How should I handle the situation?
-Worried in Wasilla
Dear Worried,
Upon entering Metro Deli, each diner will immediately fall in love with the ambience and friendly atmosphere that the staff creates. Prepared right before your eyes, the food is extremely fresh, hot and tasty. From the main dishes to the salad bar, the servings are plentiful and the options are diverse, making this meal one of the best deals you can find in Midtown, or the entire city for that matter.
I'm in the final four, working out of the tiny kitchen of my childhood. I screw everything up by not cooking enough food and having trouble plating. I exit the kitchen to see that my mom is a guest judge and she's very disappointed in me.
...54-year-old Comedian who has just had his eyes jabbed out by a red hot poker while making a joke about Jerry Orbach's Eye Bank advertisement: Isn't it eye-ronic?!
...37-year-old Concert Pianist with a treble clef fetish: Treble Clef, light of my life, fire of my loins. Tre. Ble. Clef. Plain Tre on a clarinet. Treble in a trumpet's morning routine. Clef to her friends. But always Treble Clef on my sheet music.
...10-month-old Praying Mantis after having sex: A nut is a nut is a nut.
Hello,
I'm writing this with tears in my eyes,i came down here to London,England for a short vacation and i got mugged at gun point last night at the park of the hotel where i lodged all cash,credit cards and cell were stolen off me.
I am even owing the hotel here,the hotel manager won't let me leave until i settle the hotel bills now am freaked out. So i have limited access to emails for now, please i need you to lend me some money so i can make arrangements and return back I am full of panic now,the police only asked me to write a statement about the incident and directed me to the embassy,i have spoken to the embassy here but they are not responding to the matter effectively, I will return the money back to you as soon as i get home, I am so confused right now.i wasn't injured because I complied immediately.
I await your quick response.
Regards,
Mom
INT. CAESAR'S PALACE SPORTSBOOK, LAS VEGAS, OCTOBER 27, 1985
Tim (internal): Of all the years I could have ended up in, it just had to be 1985. It couldn't have been '86? Everyone knows the Mets won that year, Buckner and all that bullshit. Cardinals vs. Royals. Ugh. Cardinals have won the World Series a lot of times, they must have won this time too, right? Or maybe I should go all counterintuitive, pick the underdog. I wish my iPhone worked here. Just trust your ESPN Classic-trained mind Tim. Have they ever shown a Royals game on that channel? Did you know ANY Royals fans growing up? If they had won a World Series, there definitely would have been some bandwagon kids in George Brett jerseys. Yep, gotta be the Cardinals.
Tim (to teller): I'd like $20,000 on the Cardinals to win Game 7 tonight.
INT. TIM'S PARENTS' APARTMENT, NEW YORK, NOVEMBER 8, 2009
Tim (to his parents): You are not gonna BELIEVE what happened to my trust fund!
A few months ago, I decided to start keeping a dream journal. Basically, any time I wake up from a dream that I can remember, I furiously type up all the details as quickly as possible into a note on my iPhone. I'd like to share some of these dreams with you. And remember, these are actual notes I took about actual dreams:
If I'm stalking you across Facebook, Twitter, MySpace, Videobox, etc... I don't want to see the same 200 x 200 profile photo everywhere. You've gotta have at least 2 or 3 different shots. Even if they were actually taken at the same time, give me a different angle or something. Sheesh.
(Note: MoMilli and I have been talking over a potential New Haven mixtape tentatively titled "The Elm City Connectors")
[Current status - Bergman Senior]
New Haven mixtape
Be takin' quick shape
Tracks so aggressive,
Bitches gonna scream "rape!"
But wait, we all homosape,
Only evolution be revolution
Way we run the game
Ain't no mo' prostitution
Potential Song 1:
[Potential Verse 1 - MoMilli]
Biggie likes gats & stuff
Mo Milli like Gatz & scruff
Mo like mo' boys to be well-bred and read and stuff
Free curling Jewfros while they're free with free-associative thoughts on the Euthryphro
Shitty riff, though
I like mines off the cuff with a quip
When he whip out his ego trip
We not rippin' corners, we rippin' the whole block with a community redev to a new downtown mall strip
Redevelop B-way to make way for a AmAppy
The fuck you thinkin', takin' out scrappy b-men (Jason!) to scrap together multinationals (Urban!)
Strappy sandals are so oh-sev
We so-so def, social debs, I mean devs
Social deviants, we social climbin' until the cap-and-trade bubble burst
(etc.)
[Potential Verse 2 - MoMilli]
So we like up at the Courtyard
Post-game crash hard
Fresh on withdrawal with my cash card
Suddenly freaked is me
Some dude in 523 is getting Judasy on his Game roomies
Is this Marriott gonna get feisty? Nicely...
Nice ice bucket in the room next door, loud sounds
Girl cracks door open, looks around
Shuts it again, then they come out of there with a group of three
"You okay-yo with the yayo?"
They like yeah, yo
Me say "nay-yo"
Naysayers on the elevator ruminators
"Should we turn in them in soon?" they ask amongst themselves
"Oh, shit, " my girl K.V. and me mumble, it's 7:12
We gonna be late for New Moon
Should've waited for the 10:20 showing instead of something else so soon
1979: One of the first forms of polar fleece is created by Malden Mills.
1997: I think it's cool to wear polar fleece everywhere. Especially if it's from Lands End.
2002: Track jackets take over. Polar fleece is worn by engineering students and overly enthusiastic residential college supporters.
2009: The mere mention of polar fleece brings to mind cheap corporate giveaways, magazine subscription enticements, and late-30s soccer moms hiding their good and bad curves. I fall in love all over again.
