Dream:
Me: Can you get me some coffee, please?
[Intern comes back with piping hot coffee]
Me: I don't drink coffee. Pour that out in the sink. Do NOT drink it.
Reality:
Me: Want some coffee?
Intern: Sure, I'd love some. But I really don't like those K-Cups, can you get me something from Starbucks?
Me: No problem, do you want a marble loaf as well?
Turns out one of my favorite lines from Portnoy's Complaint is used in the "Wiktionary" definition of "shikse."
My father…and a shikse? Can’t be. Was beyond his ken. My own father – fucked shikses? I’ll admit under duress that he fucked my mother…but shikses? I can no more imagine him knocking over a gas station.
After walking around Chelsea for 45 minutes with my SeamlessWeb shirt on, I realize what attractive girls must go through every day! The staring at my chest, the subtle turnarounds...all the moves were on display.
The scene: Music store in Jackson Heights
The players: Two young white guys, Five older Indian gentlemen
The story:
White Guy 1 (who knows his music): Hey, I was wondering if you could help me find a recording from an old Indian movie.
[He starts humming the tune and after a few bars, one of the Indian gentleman breaks into song and has a moment of great understanding, which is followed by the same from the rest of them. White Guy 2 is clueless.]
Indian Gentleman 1: Oh yes, yes, we know this song. It's by [Indian singer].
[All Indian gentlemen start rummaging through individual CDs and box sets, muttering occasional things in Hindi to each other while pointing at the CDs. Five minutes pass like this. At this point, it becomes clear that they have completely abandoned the original search and are looking at unrelated compilations.]
White Guy 1: So any luck over there?
Indian Gentleman 2: Oh yes, we have very very good songs for you.
White Guy 1: How about my song?
Indian Gentleman 2: Oh yes, Jagjit Singh box set.
White Guy 1: Ok, that's not gonna work...
White Guy 2:...but can we get this Kabaddi DVD?
Is this Queens or Grand Theft Auto?
Note both the name of the coffee shop and the name of the frozen yogurt (Parksberry)...
He would consider getting rid of the penny!
I know that he probably wouldn't actually do it, but it's amazing that he would even say it.
From the latest Bill Simmons column:
Hey, just because the Mavs are long gone from the playoffs doesn't mean we have to stop making Josh Howard jokes, right? Can we call the 2008 Mavericks team video "Howard and Kumar?" Do you think he ever tried to get Shawn Bradley high? Has Visine approached him about becoming its new endorser yet? Does he own a 7-foot bong that he named "Desagana?" How many times do you think he toked up with a teammate, then fell over in hysterics imitating Avery Johnson's voice? And can ESPN organize a Josh Howard roast so I can stand on a dais and make these jokes as someone like Jerry Stackhouse keels over in hysterics and does the slumped-over-and-pounding-the-table routine?Hey Bill, my detective instincts tell me that there are probably a few other NBA players who smoke pot also...just a thought...
Turns out Barack is a fan of one of the best party games around:
And on a personal note, Obama recouped a bit of his strut, the streak of supreme self-confidence that appeared to dim as he slogged through some of the toughest weeks of his campaign. He made a rare attempt to connect with reporters, playing a late-night game of "Taboo" on his campaign plane.If his name came up as a clue, you could NOT say "2008 Democratic Party Nominee for President."
Pros: I'm free!
Cons: Where are the bagels, cereal, milk, clean laundry, forks, and bowls? And why are people charging me money for stuff like cable TV, electricity, and rent?
At the Yale Club barber shop yesterday, I was waiting for the barber with an old man.
OM: So, what do you do, young man?
Me: I work for a company called SeamlessWeb that helps people order food online from restaurants. You do everything on the computer so you don't have to pick up a phone.
OM: That sounds like a good idea, the phone is such a nuisance. But wait a second, you're telling me that you went to Yale so that you could work there? You could have gone to community college!
Me: But you don't understan--
Enter barber.
Was kickin' it in Best Buy for a bit on Sunday when I saw a demo of the new game set up. A woman had just finished playing poorly so I picked up the steering wheel and took over for the next race. In my first try I faced one of the more daunting courses, Wario's Gold Mine, a roller coaster ride with no guardrails. Needless to say I struggled like I was playing the Rainbow Road in Super Mario Kart and things got ugly for me fast. At the end of the race, one of the employees (who had been watching the whole time while distractedly helping people (like telling my mom where to find Photoshop)) said, "Ouch, you didn't even place. Not a good ride."
Taken aback I replied, "It was tough to get used to, and that course was no joke. But, lemme see how it's done."
The employee took the wheel, re-started the game on his terms and proceeded to easily finish in first place. Thing was, he did it on 50cc on Shell Cup (the easiest settings!). Did he think that he was fooling me? I took the wheel right back and proceeded to easily win two races myself, all the while with him saying "Don't jerk the wheel" in my ear any time I made the slightest turn.
All in all a strange experience.
